Indesision.

Since I was 11 I knew I wanted to be an author.

I've been creating stories longer than I could write. I made friends play make believe, I had my sister write down stories I'd come up with. I was a storyteller and an adventurer of the imagination. And once I decided I wanted to be an author someday, I didn't search for any other career that might pique my interest.

At 14 I became a Fire Explorer (Basically fire Cadet) at the local Fire Department, and thought maybe I'd like to be a firefighter. And even though I'm still involved in that, I quickly learned the fire service was not for me. It's not the career that I wanted, that I was passionate about.

I had dreams of owning my own business, a book store/ coffee shop. That would be cool, someday. I have management experience in the food service. But that's not a now thing, that would be someday. And a lot of people have aspirations to own businesses, it would be cool, but who knows.

The only thing I have ever been sure of is writing. No a single other job, or hobby, or anything, speaks to me like writing does. I want to spend my life telling stories, and becoming better at telling stories, and talking to people about stories, and reading stories. That's what I know to be true, in all the confusion of life. Writing stories is my calling.

But it's still hella hard. Somedays I sit down and don't write a single word. Some days I spend to much time on Instagram or Pinterest. Some days I choose to hangout with friends or family instead. Somedays I end up working late and coming home to tired to write. Writing has to be done in between all the other little things going on in life. And that's hard. It's the hobby hoping to become a career, but not quite there. Have to work the full time job to pay the bills and write in the part time I have at night, or on slow days, or recording voice memos in the car so I don't forgot that cool idea.

I don't know how to work a normal job and be content. I don't know how to build a happy life out of that. I don't know how to find something else that sounds doable for the rest of my life. I don't know how to go back to school for something else that I don't know, because writing is all I know.

I guess this is just what I'm pondering today as I try to decide to quit my job and go back to my old one that would allow me to work less. I've been stuck between decisions for 2 weeks, unable to choose because my heart says neither- just write. But life doesn't work that way. So decisions need to be made. I hope you all are doing well, and have dreams worth pursuing that keep you awake at night.

~ Thane