I realize I have this intense desire to make things right. To fix things broken. To mend relationships. I have this foolish hope that people can just be honest, and open, and vulnerable and talk things out. Rekindle old relationships. Work out all the wrongs. I have too high of hope in people fighting for other people. Because I care past the point that I should care, and I expect other people do to.
Like in the stories, epic tales of lovers going to the ends of the earth to save the one they love, to forgive and forgive and forgive and survive it all. Friends who always become like family, who stand by one another, who persevere. But real people don't do that. And real people can't mend every broken thing in the world, or even in their lives. Real people move on. Real people stop caring. Real people get tired. Real people will fail you, and forget about you, and not forgive.
Life can be a lot. And sometimes you feel like you go from one crisis to another, like the punches never stop coming, like you are always just barely keeping your chin above the water.
And let's be real, more than anything, it's exhausting. Even if in other areas of your life you are okay, fighting leaves you exhausted, and you just want to rest. You don't want life to always be a fight, you wish you could just turn it all off, not care anymore. Because caring hurts. It hurts so much. But if you stop caring you lose the good to. And the good is always worth it.
Maybe that fight is a decision. And it's tearing you apart trying to chose the right path. And there's not always a right or wrong choice. Sometimes you just have to chose one, and keep going. Sometimes not choosing is hurting you more, because you are then stuck in the same place. Sometimes it's less about what is right, and more about what will serve you the best in this next stage of your life.
Life moves in cycles. And it's easy to miss the last one you were in because it seemed better than this one, and maybe it was. But continuing is the only way to move through life. Nothing stays the same forever, we must change as our lives change. Because being indecisive, not deciding, is a decision too. And maybe both decisions hurt.
I think something really hard for a lot of people is learning how to fight for (people, relationships) but not to fight with. In any relationship we are in there's complications and drama and harsh words and disagreements. But when it comes down to it, in an argument, it shouldn't be you against the other person, but both of you against the problem. And it's really hard to work thinks out when one person is telling the other person they need to fix the problem, or you both telling each other to fix the problem. It creates a divide between you. Where working together against the problem brings you closer. It's not one persons responsibility to carry all the blame and shame and heartache alone, that isn't going to create an environment for healing and growth.
But man is it hard. Especially when you strongly feel like it is the other persons fault, or the other person hasn't been trying and you have been trying to solve the problem all alone. When you feel like you have done everything in your power to fix the problem but the other person hasn't.
And then it comes to choices. When to leave. When to stay and keep fighting. If the care out weighs the hurt. If the good times outweigh the bad.... And honestly this is where I have no more words to say. I just am filled with questions. Truth is, I have no idea when or how to decide that. I think your heart knows. I've said temporary goodbyes before, but never permanent. I've had people drift away, but never a confrontation that ends in a goodbye. I think loosing a close friend suddenly and without explanation is the worst heartbreak.
Friends are so unique and special. It's not like a committed relationship where they have that promise to you. Friendship, and best friend promises are silent. You expect them to just be there, because they always have before. And when they are simple not? That's heartbreak.
You expect friends to be there for you when your great grandmother dies, when you lose your pet, when your in a car accident, when you break up with a boyfriend, or are broken up with, when you text them and tell them you are really not okay. You expect friends to be there for you when you get a new job, when you get a promotion, when your dreams are coming true, when you get engaged, when you want to hangout, or talk on the phone, or to just grab some food with. Friends are there for all the mundane and the exciting. And it hurts so much worse when they fail on those silent promises.
I think we all want people to fight for us. We want to know we are not so easy to lose. That people won't give up on us. Unexpectedly, silently. Because if a best friend can, who can you trust to be there for you? If not the one who was there a million times before, but must have just woke up one day and decided they didn't care about you anymore. Or not enough. Not enough to make plans, or show up, or text. The most they can do is like your Instagram posts and move on.
What I've learned is life is hard. So incredibly hard. Find and chose the people who make the hard times more bearable. People who believe in you. People who make you smile. People who chose you. People who fight with and for you. People who make you a better person.
~Thane
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